I worked on the elementalism for a while, trying to work my will on the fire elemental. I tried time and time again to punch a hole through the gauntlet, but even in the wild places, this is hard. I can get a fire elemental to show up on the other side of the gauntlet - I can see it with my gifts. But actually calling it through eludes me. Meditation didn’t help - it just left me feeling like a cold pile of shit.
The Nephandic nightmares are continuing. It’s hard to forget those graphic details of the rituals they perform. In my dreams, they’re always happening to me, making me yearn for an end to everything. Something to end the suffering. Something to end my suffering. I can shake the feeling when I wake up, but it weighs on me. I’m starting to feel washed up and used to the world. I wish I could just go back to night terrors about Flux.
( Tired of Coyote )Today, it was more of the same. I avoided the others all day, trying to master bending elementals to my will. I need more information than I have. On the other side of the gauntlet, Neryarta is still running around, being an idiot. I don’t know what I’m going to do about him. He told Copperhead. Who else would he tell? Bears can’t keep secrets well at all. Especially young ones like him. By the end of my practice, and a little study, I felt fucked up and dead to the world. I tried a nap, but the Nightmares were waiting for me immediately.
( Tired in general )I wonder how well Scar sleeps at night. The things he's seen... the things he's done. I don't know if he can live with himself.
God, what is this shit I'm saying?
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