Going back to school for Esther - of sorts.

[littlesilvertip]

Nightmares are back. Full blown, no quarter given nightmares. I was hoping that whoever stumbled around in my head might have done something useful about them, but not only did they probably stumble into taint, but they didn’t improve anything. If anything, this one was so jarring that it made me wake up and stab a tree. Grandmother’s mercy… I can still feel them pulling out my guts.

Followed Unfinished Business’s advice from before, and got hot water to clean myself up in homid. I intended to spend the day in lupus, but it’s probably a good thing I did because Yellow Horse came by on his normal horse, turkey hunting. I talked for him for a bit, told him I’d smoke one of the birds for him. He wanted them mostly for fletching. We also talked about my cousin, and my decision from last night. He agreed to help out with getting her a GED, though he doesn’t think the GED is useful. I don’t think so either, but learning how to learn can be useful, and the things she learn themselves will always be with her. He’s going to help her withe the studying, and the computer for taking the exam on the small moons. I don’t know how we got to the subject, but he confided in me he felt like he didn’t make a difference. It broke my heart to hear him say that. Little Brother’s kin is especially crushed. I tried to tell him how much we value him, but I don’t know if he heard.

My Cousin showed up afterwards. When I told her what I wanted her to do, and explained to her what a GED is, she was definitely not happy, but submitted to me as pack alpha about this. When I told her Yellow Horse would help, she snapped out at him, and I almost had to scruff her again. He left afterwards with his fletchings, and I chewed her out. She didn’t even understand why I’d want Kin around here; thought we should keep the hall and lake for just the wolf people. I told her instead of secluding ourselves from our wolf and ape kin, it’s better to learn control. She also said she didn’t like them around, because they make her think about courting one, and she doesn’t feel ready. I don’t blame her. If we are honest, her scars have made her ugly. They’re very horrible, and they’re even across her face. I told her to spend time studying with Quin, and learn to understand him as a person, not a bull for stud. I don’t know if she got that. I also reminded her that she needed to make progress on making talens already…

After she left, I had time to think. It was hard talking to Quin. I know that he’s no threat, and I don’t think he’s interested in me (is he?), but I just felt… uneasy, so exposed when he was there. Except for when I was feeling so bad for him that it made my heart hurt. The same when my cousin repeatedly told me I’m pretty. I don’t think I am, and even if I was, I don’t know how I feel about that. I decided I was done being an ape for the day, and spent the rest of the day on four legs.

Watching the bawn at night, Unfinished Business came by while I was looking out over the trees. She wanted to know why I was alone - she thought being in a pack meant we spent all our time together. I told her how both wolf packs work, and  how wolf-shapechanger packs work in that regards, and she seemed to get it. She came to ask my why the other bats are bad, and after telling her I’m not a story howler repeatedly, I finally gave her the broad details of how bat got stuck in the Labyrinth and went mad. She wondered why we weren’t working to make the gaffling we dug out more powerful, and I told her she’s welcome to - if she thinks Bat is so much more important than any of the other millions of spirits she could spend her attention on. Me? If I’m going to give spirits attention, I should either get something out of it, or it should be a spirit I like. We got bored of talking, and ran off to play for a bit; it was good exercise, and it got the blood pumping. She’s fast!

Later that night, I felt focused enough to try opening holes in the gauntlet again. I can’t keep them open for long, but I’ve got better and better at making them larger and larger. It’s tiring for the spirit to do it, though, and I had to take a break after a bit to clear my head, and rest my spirit. I wonder… I wonder if this is like the medicine moons learn to carry things from the animal lands to the spirit lands? I intend to let things come into this world, but couldn’t I work to take things out of this one into the next? There’s definitely more to it that I’m missing - if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that gauntlet manipulation is not easy.