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littlesilvertipNightmares again, probably from dwelling on things too much the night before. And my hands were still cramped up badly. I tried to do some sewing, but it hurt enough to be annoying, so I went to do other chores, before going to to the caern to replenish some of my spirits. I’d been free with my gnosis, especially in making sure Lynn was did not intend us evil.
Fire-Dancer showed up with spaghetti in the caern, and told me she wanted to apologize. Now… the spaghetti is a reference to how Defends Her Worth, a Fianna law keeper, would bring her and White Bear it, especially at times to try and calm things between them; One time, White Bear, in one of his most idiotic moments ever, could only think to call them ‘red worms’ when he took the two legged form. That was incredibly dumb. The spaghetti was a sign that that her apology was ernest, but also that she still thought of me as White Bear.
I told her exactly what I thought about everything - I’m angry. I’m angry that Finds-Death’s murderer walks around, no one caring; when she admits what she did is wrong, everyone howls appreciation for her honor in admitting that. Wrong as she was, and even though I’d run her out of my pack, she had still been a packmate.
Her apology. I like apologies, when I’m owed them. And I was owed one, for her twisting my words, judging things she hadn’t seen, and her challenging posture and words. But needed to be clear that she understood that we had a challenge, and for dominance, and other things, and if she truly apologized, she should submit in our challenge, too. Otherwise, she would not really be sorry. I don’t think this needs to be said, but most at this sept are so far from the wolf that they don’t know these things. After a few moments, she showed throat, and we settled.
After that, I needed to address her thinking I am White Bear. Apparently, the story never reached her, which I find odd. She was at the sept at the time. Maybe she didn’t believe it then. But I told how he sought to become Uktena, but was devoured by scrags. I didn’t say what he was doing, or where he went, and she didn’t ask, which was good, because I couldn’t tell her. I said that Uktena took out his Glass Walker soul, and put an Uktena one in, and showed her the scars from where Uktena grabbed me and threw me from the spirit lands to the animal lands. First, she was confused (understandable - even I don't know if everything happened as I remember it). Then she was shocked, and dismayed. She began to treat me like a stranger, like I had never known her, ever. It was weird. I know her for nine years. White Bear knew her for one, or less. Again and again, she said she didn’t know me.
Fire-Dancer also seemed to think that Joshua would have fought and died for her. Now’s not the time to correct her on that. In fact, I think there is never a time to correct her on that.
Spaghetti is tasty.
After Fire-Dancer left, I spent a while after watching the dance of lights, but I failed in the rite. What first started as thinking about Nova became dwelling on all the things that have changed, and all the things I’ve lost. That became thinking about how I would have to have kids. That became thinking about the nephandic nightmares I had. That became thinking about the nephandic nightmares I had. That became thinking… I couldn't stop thinking about it, and the defilement in those dreams. I felt panicked, trapped, cornered, and threatened. I broke out of there at a pretty good run, before I got ahold of myself. I don't think it was a fox frenzy, but it might as well have been one. I still feel anxious, like someone might be right behind me.
My paw feels good enough to do more drawing and writing, but I’m done with thinking about dark thoughts today. I’m going to go visit spirits instead, tonight. I'm going to tend my tuunrat before the moon gets too small to visit them, and explore around, and see if there's anything that needs me attention when the moon starts waxing.
Fire-Dancer showed up with spaghetti in the caern, and told me she wanted to apologize. Now… the spaghetti is a reference to how Defends Her Worth, a Fianna law keeper, would bring her and White Bear it, especially at times to try and calm things between them; One time, White Bear, in one of his most idiotic moments ever, could only think to call them ‘red worms’ when he took the two legged form. That was incredibly dumb. The spaghetti was a sign that that her apology was ernest, but also that she still thought of me as White Bear.
I told her exactly what I thought about everything - I’m angry. I’m angry that Finds-Death’s murderer walks around, no one caring; when she admits what she did is wrong, everyone howls appreciation for her honor in admitting that. Wrong as she was, and even though I’d run her out of my pack, she had still been a packmate.
Her apology. I like apologies, when I’m owed them. And I was owed one, for her twisting my words, judging things she hadn’t seen, and her challenging posture and words. But needed to be clear that she understood that we had a challenge, and for dominance, and other things, and if she truly apologized, she should submit in our challenge, too. Otherwise, she would not really be sorry. I don’t think this needs to be said, but most at this sept are so far from the wolf that they don’t know these things. After a few moments, she showed throat, and we settled.
After that, I needed to address her thinking I am White Bear. Apparently, the story never reached her, which I find odd. She was at the sept at the time. Maybe she didn’t believe it then. But I told how he sought to become Uktena, but was devoured by scrags. I didn’t say what he was doing, or where he went, and she didn’t ask, which was good, because I couldn’t tell her. I said that Uktena took out his Glass Walker soul, and put an Uktena one in, and showed her the scars from where Uktena grabbed me and threw me from the spirit lands to the animal lands. First, she was confused (understandable - even I don't know if everything happened as I remember it). Then she was shocked, and dismayed. She began to treat me like a stranger, like I had never known her, ever. It was weird. I know her for nine years. White Bear knew her for one, or less. Again and again, she said she didn’t know me.
Fire-Dancer also seemed to think that Joshua would have fought and died for her. Now’s not the time to correct her on that. In fact, I think there is never a time to correct her on that.
Spaghetti is tasty.
After Fire-Dancer left, I spent a while after watching the dance of lights, but I failed in the rite. What first started as thinking about Nova became dwelling on all the things that have changed, and all the things I’ve lost. That became thinking about how I would have to have kids. That became thinking about the nephandic nightmares I had. That became thinking about the nephandic nightmares I had. That became thinking… I couldn't stop thinking about it, and the defilement in those dreams. I felt panicked, trapped, cornered, and threatened. I broke out of there at a pretty good run, before I got ahold of myself. I don't think it was a fox frenzy, but it might as well have been one. I still feel anxious, like someone might be right behind me.
My paw feels good enough to do more drawing and writing, but I’m done with thinking about dark thoughts today. I’m going to go visit spirits instead, tonight. I'm going to tend my tuunrat before the moon gets too small to visit them, and explore around, and see if there's anything that needs me attention when the moon starts waxing.
