Means to an end.
Friday, 21 March 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipThe nightmares got worse, dreaming about birthing horrible… things… as the Nephandus did one of his dark ritual. I remember it clearly enough to know it was like the 3rd ritual type, some sort of perverse life-based magic. I woke up screaming and clawing at myself again, and didn’t go back to sleep. I spent most of the day in an exhausted stupor, rattling from one task to another, half finishing it, and then laying around blankly.
I was laying on the wood pile when Copperhead came by, with the bird-metis, Tradewinds. I knew this was about taint, but I tried to chase them off anyhow. I was tired, and I wasn’t thinking - I was operating on instinct, and my instinct was to avoid them trying to cleanse me. They left, and I thought I’d run them off. I should have known better, but it’s probably good that I didn’t.
Tradewinds came back after a half hour, maybe. She went out to the lake, and very pointedly stared at me, and peed on some stuff. I went berserk, and chased after her to rip her head off for disrespecting our territory. She reached over, but I caught up with her there. But Neryarta was waiting for me on the other side. They’d talked him into fighting with me, and as soon I was on the other side, he charged me.
It was a tough fight. I didn’t harm him, but I could tell that he was spending lots of his energy avoiding getting hurt. He didn’t pull his blows, but I shrugged off his hits easily. We could have probably fought for the rest of the night, if he hadn’t pinned me. That’s when the metis came in, and they did the rite on me. It’s happened to me before, but being cleansed isn’t nice. It hurts. It hurts so badly. Worse than the mage yanking around my guts, everything was burning on the inside. Helios will do that, I guess.
When I recovered enough, the metis had gone, and it was just me and Neryarta. He was weak from all the fighting, but concerned for me, and guarding over me. I fed him some of my gnosis, and let him talk for a while. He’s worried I’m destroying myself - not just with the taint. He told me I've been taking unnecessary risks, like I'm trying to kill myself; that I'm avoiding dealing with my true injuries. He had a captive audience, and lectured me for so long. But... he's right. About some of it, anyhow. He convinced me that I needed to go… ‘cauterize a wound.’ His words, not mine. Go talk to Nova.
I spent more gnosis on getting to the city, quickly, and went to talk to her. Talking to her was… hard. Incredibly hard. I didn’t want her to see me like this, and I nearly left before I even went in. I managed it, though. Just barely. She was in shock when she found out. I could see she was bottling her feelings up inside for my sake. This only made it more painful. Telling her what happened was too hard. I gave up half way through the story, and just cut to the end. She told me that she wouldn’t make me tell the whole story, and understood. She doesn’t.
The whole time I was a wreck, about twenty second from frenzy, despite the small moon. She says that’s because females are more emotional, less logical. I’m not sure this is true, but both Earth-Whisperer and her seem to think so. Eventually, I found the courage to tell her the hard truth: Things are bleak for me changing back, ever. And I don’t have the same feelings for her like I used to. And since we can’t have pups together, we should… ‘break up.’ She agreed, saying she doesn’t feel any desire to be with… other women.
I don’t want this at all. She doesn’t want this. None of us want this. She was my mate. It’s wrong that we have to stop. But… I can’t keep lying about what I am, and it doesn’t help either of us of neither of us feels the same way to the other anymore. And the Grandmother does not bless females mounting females with pups. If I did the selfish thing like Defiant-Storm did, and stayed with females, others should rightly point out what I was doing was wrong, like Fire Watcher did.
It feels like I’m giving up. Surrendering. The other changes in my life felt like they could be temporary - clothing could be switched back, new dance fans made, new introductions given, and everything else managed until it was back as it was. This is cutting off something major. Even if I somehow change back tomorrow, we couldn’t just go back to how things were. Ending this is changing both of us.
I know her well enough to know that she’s being strong for me; she can see what I’m going through, and is being tough. She’s going to collapse as soon as I’m gone. I tried to talk to her about how she is, but she’s bottling it up inside for the moment. She wants me to stay the night, so we can ‘talk about us’ and I’m going to. She needs this; I’m going to chew some jaguarleaf before we go any further. She doesn’t like it, but I need the help with dulling my feelings.
I was laying on the wood pile when Copperhead came by, with the bird-metis, Tradewinds. I knew this was about taint, but I tried to chase them off anyhow. I was tired, and I wasn’t thinking - I was operating on instinct, and my instinct was to avoid them trying to cleanse me. They left, and I thought I’d run them off. I should have known better, but it’s probably good that I didn’t.
Tradewinds came back after a half hour, maybe. She went out to the lake, and very pointedly stared at me, and peed on some stuff. I went berserk, and chased after her to rip her head off for disrespecting our territory. She reached over, but I caught up with her there. But Neryarta was waiting for me on the other side. They’d talked him into fighting with me, and as soon I was on the other side, he charged me.
It was a tough fight. I didn’t harm him, but I could tell that he was spending lots of his energy avoiding getting hurt. He didn’t pull his blows, but I shrugged off his hits easily. We could have probably fought for the rest of the night, if he hadn’t pinned me. That’s when the metis came in, and they did the rite on me. It’s happened to me before, but being cleansed isn’t nice. It hurts. It hurts so badly. Worse than the mage yanking around my guts, everything was burning on the inside. Helios will do that, I guess.
When I recovered enough, the metis had gone, and it was just me and Neryarta. He was weak from all the fighting, but concerned for me, and guarding over me. I fed him some of my gnosis, and let him talk for a while. He’s worried I’m destroying myself - not just with the taint. He told me I've been taking unnecessary risks, like I'm trying to kill myself; that I'm avoiding dealing with my true injuries. He had a captive audience, and lectured me for so long. But... he's right. About some of it, anyhow. He convinced me that I needed to go… ‘cauterize a wound.’ His words, not mine. Go talk to Nova.
I spent more gnosis on getting to the city, quickly, and went to talk to her. Talking to her was… hard. Incredibly hard. I didn’t want her to see me like this, and I nearly left before I even went in. I managed it, though. Just barely. She was in shock when she found out. I could see she was bottling her feelings up inside for my sake. This only made it more painful. Telling her what happened was too hard. I gave up half way through the story, and just cut to the end. She told me that she wouldn’t make me tell the whole story, and understood. She doesn’t.
The whole time I was a wreck, about twenty second from frenzy, despite the small moon. She says that’s because females are more emotional, less logical. I’m not sure this is true, but both Earth-Whisperer and her seem to think so. Eventually, I found the courage to tell her the hard truth: Things are bleak for me changing back, ever. And I don’t have the same feelings for her like I used to. And since we can’t have pups together, we should… ‘break up.’ She agreed, saying she doesn’t feel any desire to be with… other women.
I don’t want this at all. She doesn’t want this. None of us want this. She was my mate. It’s wrong that we have to stop. But… I can’t keep lying about what I am, and it doesn’t help either of us of neither of us feels the same way to the other anymore. And the Grandmother does not bless females mounting females with pups. If I did the selfish thing like Defiant-Storm did, and stayed with females, others should rightly point out what I was doing was wrong, like Fire Watcher did.
It feels like I’m giving up. Surrendering. The other changes in my life felt like they could be temporary - clothing could be switched back, new dance fans made, new introductions given, and everything else managed until it was back as it was. This is cutting off something major. Even if I somehow change back tomorrow, we couldn’t just go back to how things were. Ending this is changing both of us.
I know her well enough to know that she’s being strong for me; she can see what I’m going through, and is being tough. She’s going to collapse as soon as I’m gone. I tried to talk to her about how she is, but she’s bottling it up inside for the moment. She wants me to stay the night, so we can ‘talk about us’ and I’m going to. She needs this; I’m going to chew some jaguarleaf before we go any further. She doesn’t like it, but I need the help with dulling my feelings.
