Interpersonal frustrations and broken books.
Sunday, 4 May 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipMemory’s been feeding Neryarta.
Now I have a brown bear lecturing me on forgiveness. Great.
The last week’s been studies, hunting, studies, chores, studies, looking for places of power, studies… Writing. It’s amazing how fast I’ve gone through paper writing it all out. My hand doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off anymore, which is good. The undamaged parts of the book have been interesting, but dense:
“Now, obviously, the observer and the observed share entangled fields that result in the state of one being intrinsic to the state of the second (see chapter 5), but what of the case where two observers are involved in the same system? QECD teaches us that the entanglement must immediately resolve itself at the moment of observation, but simultaneity introduces an interesting problem, in that either observer may end up seeing a different quantum state in the observee (clearly absurd, as the pair are entangled!), leading to the situation where simultaneously, both realities much be ‘true.’”
Ugh. The rest of it is like that. It’s taken me a long time to wade through even a short amount of reading, and it makes my eyes hurt (Do I need glasses?). The gist I’m beginning to get is that the writer says the act of conscious observation changes the universe; observation might be done systematically, to effect deliberate change - for example bits of stuff can be poked and prodded into going ‘left’ instead of going ‘right’ by choosing to observe ‘spin’ at the right moments (whatever the hell that means). It doesn’t help the book was written by a distracted kitten, who jumps from subject to subject randomly. About every fifth line tells me to go read a different part of the book.
I tried to go into town to find an undamaged copy, but nothing is out there. Maybe I don’t know how to look for it? I know there’s a rite that can help guide me towards more information on this, but I don’t know it. Maybe Mounts Everything could teach me it?
As soon as the moon got big again, I popped into the spirit lands to tend to my tuunrat. Well, Neryarta was waiting, with a ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ sort of exprssion. I should have run. Instead he went on and on about how Memory only was trying to heal me, how Memory did me a favour, how I’m letting my hurt feelings hurt another… Sometimes I hate bears. Scratch that, sometimes, I hate Neryarta. Stupid lard-ass bear. He, of course, has taken her side entirely. I eventually got out of that conversation (him doing most of the talking, does that count as conversation?) and went back to the realm.
I spent a bit trying to decide what to do about Memory, coming to no conclusion. It wouldn’t hurt to have an outside opinion, so I went to go bother the one other person knowledgable about it.
Asked Tail-Eater how his trip went - he didn’t seem too thrilled with the results. Apparently he got a small spirit out of the bargain, or had one bound to him as a… well, he wasn’t sure. He asked me a fair bit about how me and Neryarta get along, and made this cute joke about how he felt like he was asking for help with girls. It’s pretty obvious being a ronin mage has deprived him of the cultural experience to know how he should approach spirits. I felt a little bad about that, for him. I spent a fair time telling him about how my people have treated spirits, and how different type of tuunrat relate to us, and us to them, and tried to get him to read a book that would give him more of a basis to make his social decisions with spirits from.
I didn’t warn him about the nagging that spirits can do, at times. Maybe I should have. I don’t think I’d stop having Neryarta as my closest helper, though - he’s just wants to see the world healed, starting with what he can effect, first. He means well.
And, speaking of people who mean well… Memory. We talked about her for a while. I’m still not sure what to do with her. I’m not that angry. I feel violated. Maybe that’s too strong. I feel she overstepped her bounds. But… I guess she needed to? I wish she’d asked me first. I’d have said no, but I still wish she’d asked me first. Tail-Eater started dwelling on the times he’d invaded others’ minds, and I considered that I’d done the same. I’m definitely a bit of a hypocrite. Normally I wouldn’t do it to friends without permission, though. Memory… Memory I guess I did. The first time was to make sure she wasn’t a foe - justifiable. But digging out that she’d been in my mind? Less so.
I also don’t regret doing it. It’s a damn mess. I guess my biggest problem is I feel like I can’t trust her with secrets, or trust her to keep from prying. What’s that leave left?
Tail-Eater has a trick for restoring the unreadable portions of the book, but he's busy with other preparations at the moment. I'm going to keep the book until he has time to help, and give what I can a second read.
I was reading it in the community hall, when Unfinished Business came in for the night. She started reading over my shoulder, but I don't think she could make any sense of what I was reading. If I didn't have the foundation I already had, most of this wouldn't make sense to me (it still doesn't!). I started asking her how her talen making was going, and it sounded like it wasn't going well. It sounded like her knowledge of spirits was... weak, and so that needed to be the first gap corrected. However, when I started teaching her, she started making faces, and yawning, and complaining like she was in school again.
I take the time to teach her something new, and useful, and she gives me that disrespect? Does she not know I'm many ranks above her? The rudeness of it... ugh. Boils my blood to even think about, now. No respect for elders. Grandmother knows how she'd treat elder kin. I told her to go away, but as she left, I just got angrier and angrier. I followed her outside, and grabbed her, made her submit. Told her this anaq would not be okay with me. Elders have /earned/ respect. I'm done having her roll her eyes, and yawn, and tell me how boring the knowledge and traditions I'm trying to pass on to her are.
Privately, I wonder if taking her into the pack was a mistake. Hummingbird and Untangler had a thirst for knowledge; Unfinished Business seems entirely uninterested.
I think both her and my cousin need a positive role model, to help change how they think about knowledge, learning, and how to treat kin. Maybe I should invite Mounts-Everything...
Not that he'd help them think of kin differently.
Now I have a brown bear lecturing me on forgiveness. Great.
The last week’s been studies, hunting, studies, chores, studies, looking for places of power, studies… Writing. It’s amazing how fast I’ve gone through paper writing it all out. My hand doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall off anymore, which is good. The undamaged parts of the book have been interesting, but dense:
“Now, obviously, the observer and the observed share entangled fields that result in the state of one being intrinsic to the state of the second (see chapter 5), but what of the case where two observers are involved in the same system? QECD teaches us that the entanglement must immediately resolve itself at the moment of observation, but simultaneity introduces an interesting problem, in that either observer may end up seeing a different quantum state in the observee (clearly absurd, as the pair are entangled!), leading to the situation where simultaneously, both realities much be ‘true.’”
Ugh. The rest of it is like that. It’s taken me a long time to wade through even a short amount of reading, and it makes my eyes hurt (Do I need glasses?). The gist I’m beginning to get is that the writer says the act of conscious observation changes the universe; observation might be done systematically, to effect deliberate change - for example bits of stuff can be poked and prodded into going ‘left’ instead of going ‘right’ by choosing to observe ‘spin’ at the right moments (whatever the hell that means). It doesn’t help the book was written by a distracted kitten, who jumps from subject to subject randomly. About every fifth line tells me to go read a different part of the book.
I tried to go into town to find an undamaged copy, but nothing is out there. Maybe I don’t know how to look for it? I know there’s a rite that can help guide me towards more information on this, but I don’t know it. Maybe Mounts Everything could teach me it?
As soon as the moon got big again, I popped into the spirit lands to tend to my tuunrat. Well, Neryarta was waiting, with a ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ sort of exprssion. I should have run. Instead he went on and on about how Memory only was trying to heal me, how Memory did me a favour, how I’m letting my hurt feelings hurt another… Sometimes I hate bears. Scratch that, sometimes, I hate Neryarta. Stupid lard-ass bear. He, of course, has taken her side entirely. I eventually got out of that conversation (him doing most of the talking, does that count as conversation?) and went back to the realm.
I spent a bit trying to decide what to do about Memory, coming to no conclusion. It wouldn’t hurt to have an outside opinion, so I went to go bother the one other person knowledgable about it.
Asked Tail-Eater how his trip went - he didn’t seem too thrilled with the results. Apparently he got a small spirit out of the bargain, or had one bound to him as a… well, he wasn’t sure. He asked me a fair bit about how me and Neryarta get along, and made this cute joke about how he felt like he was asking for help with girls. It’s pretty obvious being a ronin mage has deprived him of the cultural experience to know how he should approach spirits. I felt a little bad about that, for him. I spent a fair time telling him about how my people have treated spirits, and how different type of tuunrat relate to us, and us to them, and tried to get him to read a book that would give him more of a basis to make his social decisions with spirits from.
I didn’t warn him about the nagging that spirits can do, at times. Maybe I should have. I don’t think I’d stop having Neryarta as my closest helper, though - he’s just wants to see the world healed, starting with what he can effect, first. He means well.
And, speaking of people who mean well… Memory. We talked about her for a while. I’m still not sure what to do with her. I’m not that angry. I feel violated. Maybe that’s too strong. I feel she overstepped her bounds. But… I guess she needed to? I wish she’d asked me first. I’d have said no, but I still wish she’d asked me first. Tail-Eater started dwelling on the times he’d invaded others’ minds, and I considered that I’d done the same. I’m definitely a bit of a hypocrite. Normally I wouldn’t do it to friends without permission, though. Memory… Memory I guess I did. The first time was to make sure she wasn’t a foe - justifiable. But digging out that she’d been in my mind? Less so.
I also don’t regret doing it. It’s a damn mess. I guess my biggest problem is I feel like I can’t trust her with secrets, or trust her to keep from prying. What’s that leave left?
Tail-Eater has a trick for restoring the unreadable portions of the book, but he's busy with other preparations at the moment. I'm going to keep the book until he has time to help, and give what I can a second read.
I was reading it in the community hall, when Unfinished Business came in for the night. She started reading over my shoulder, but I don't think she could make any sense of what I was reading. If I didn't have the foundation I already had, most of this wouldn't make sense to me (it still doesn't!). I started asking her how her talen making was going, and it sounded like it wasn't going well. It sounded like her knowledge of spirits was... weak, and so that needed to be the first gap corrected. However, when I started teaching her, she started making faces, and yawning, and complaining like she was in school again.
I take the time to teach her something new, and useful, and she gives me that disrespect? Does she not know I'm many ranks above her? The rudeness of it... ugh. Boils my blood to even think about, now. No respect for elders. Grandmother knows how she'd treat elder kin. I told her to go away, but as she left, I just got angrier and angrier. I followed her outside, and grabbed her, made her submit. Told her this anaq would not be okay with me. Elders have /earned/ respect. I'm done having her roll her eyes, and yawn, and tell me how boring the knowledge and traditions I'm trying to pass on to her are.
Privately, I wonder if taking her into the pack was a mistake. Hummingbird and Untangler had a thirst for knowledge; Unfinished Business seems entirely uninterested.
I think both her and my cousin need a positive role model, to help change how they think about knowledge, learning, and how to treat kin. Maybe I should invite Mounts-Everything...
Not that he'd help them think of kin differently.
