Sometimes, you need an old friend.
Monday, 7 April 2014 20:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipBus fare is 50 dollars, with a transfer, to the Rez. Jordan’s always had money, so I can ask her for some once I get there. I hate the bus, though. No matter how clean are when you get on, you always get off smelling of puke soaked saw dust, or the stuff they use to clean it. The one nice thing about being a warrior is I never have to worry about not having an empty seat next to me. Not that I need the legroom, anymore…
Anymore. Hah. Admit it, I never needed it to begin with.
It was easy enough to find Jordan on the Rez. Again, it took some steeling before I could go up and knock on her door. What a shithole this place is. Nunam is worse, but not by much. BIA: Giving the kin a place to get cancer, and then die. She didn’t recognize me (no one does), so I told her I was Jacinta’s relative to avoid a scene outside. She had a guy over. He was really… tall. Really tall. I mean, huge. And, he was kinda… anyhow, she kicked him out (they argued some) so she could talk with me in private. He must not be clued or something. Or, that they fight as much as we used to. I swear, sometimes she acts like she has more rage than a theurge…
Well, breaking it to her went better than with Nova. At first, she thought I was here to tell her Ciuraq (me) had died. Then she thought I was joking about being him. Then she got accusative, thinking I was lying. I shared some more… intimate details about us, and she got really serious, really fast. She seemed… regretful. Not as bad as Nova, but not all the old wounds were healed. She still had feelings. Oh, great. Not what I needed. I started getting emotional when she did, and it only got worse from there. She said I was pretty, and that stung. That… was not what I wanted to hear. Before things got out of hand, I smoked a bit - awakened stuff - to get my rage under control. No frenzying on Jordan.
It helped just saying some of that stuff outloud. I’d told Nova the broad strokes, but I was trying to keep her from freaking out on me (and I was trying to avoid frenzy myself). I didn’t tell Jordan everything - far from it - but I told her more than I told anyone else. I didn’t /want to…/ but afterwards, I could feel some of the weight off my mind. She didn’t understand (How could she?), but she knew enough to realize how horrible things had been. And those weren’t even the worst. Gaia, I don’t even want to think about that. She tried to say maybe it was part of a plan, and I flipped out. Ranted. Told her I couldn’t take it, and hated every minute. How I should just accept it, but I can’t wrap my head around it. She started to tell me I shouldn’t; I should fight back, and… I thought she was going to tell me I should change and be with her. She didn’t. But I thought she was going to.
I lost it. I totally lost it. Thank gaia for the drugs, or I would have frenzied. Instead, I was a total wreck. God, it must have been a sight. Big, strong Ciuraq, athro warrior, having a break down in a Kin’s livingroom. She was there for me. She may be a dork sometimes, but god I miss her. She’s always stood up when I needed it.
We talked for a bit, once I finally collected myself again. She told me to take it a step at a time, and give it a real try; it’s my head that’s fucked up, not my instincts. Suggested I ‘look for the positives;’ said she’d go around peeing her name in snow, if she was a guy. I thought having aamaq would be great (until I actually had them), so I guess there’s that? I don’t know. She also suggested trying stuff I hadn’t found appealing before. Like, shaving, or dressing up different. It doesn’t sound appealing, but… I guess that’s the point? She managed to talk me into visiting again later. I’m wary, but, hell, I miss her. She’s a good friend.
We spent time catching up, talking about what’d happened in the sept since she left for the Rez. Pizza arrived, and it was like the Grandmother herself brought it from Summercountry. Best pizza I’d ever had. Most amazing pizza. I also took a shower, and took Jordan’s advice. Tried shaving. That… took a while. It feels nice, but geeze, doing that frequently? And the number of razors you’d go through. No one else in the Lake does, that I’m aware (and Jordan didn’t, when she lived there, either). I slept on the sofa. Things got… weird. Weirder. Things got weirder.
Started having a nightmare like always. The Nephandic stuff, involving the caern from over in the east. It was awful as always. But… something changed. Midway, I saw a wolf I hadn’t seen before. Uktena, definitely. Big grey male. I told him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t. Kept goading me, calling me names. Telling me to fight back. I was terrified, but I did. I went back to the caern, and killed them. Killed them all. And made the caern a sea of flames. I burned them all to ash. And I didn’t have another nightmare the rest of the night.
After months of the same few horrible dreams, and the best I’ve been having been neutral dreams - one neutral dream, after I caught the cannibal - actually having a good dream stood out like a giant red flag. And how crass the dream was - the lack of symbolism. Not a spirit. Someone was in my head. This is not my first time. That’s a tampered dream I had. The mage. It had to be the mage.
I was up before Jordan, and started putting together breakfast. Having a fridge is nice. I mean, it’s out of rhythm with the grandmother, but you don’t have to dry everything to make it last. Got to thinking about old times, and how it was probably hard on Jordan, too. About then, she finished her shower and came out. I asked Jordan if she’d had anything weird about her dreams. Nothing.
I also apologized for unloading on her the night before. She seemed to get it. We shared breakfast, and talked about how’d she been, the Rez, and so on. I took a shower, and shaved again. Nope, definitely a pain in the ass, no matter how nice it feels. Afterwards, Jordan wanted to take me shopping off the Rez. I tried to beg out of it, but ; I saw this coming - Unlike Nova, she even said some stuff that made me confident it was more for her than for me. I ended up going along with it for that reason. She kept pushing more… girly stuff, unlike Nova’s choice of more men-like stuff. Is girly the right word? I don't know. Less baggy, and showing more of my scars and tattoos. Maybe I’ll give some a try, later. She could be right - trying the same things hasn't help my mind get used to it. She also pushed me really hard to get a dress. I don’t know how she convinced me into going along with it. She can be really persuasive when she wants, I guess. I’ve always had a hard time telling her no. It was fine, and I guess wearing it was okay but after a bit… there were guys around. Nearby. I just agreed to whatever so we could get out as fast as we could.
Lunch gave me a chance to cool down, and more chance to find out how’d she been the last few years. She’s not serious about the tall guy, it seems like. Never ended up with Touch Deer, either. I guess I saw that coming. Her dead parents’ money’s kept her well, but she’s been working whenever the mood strikes her. Nothing serious. She made me promise about a dozen times that I’d come back and visit her soon. She also teased me for being short. Before it was for being too tall, now it’s for being so short. There’s no ‘perfect’ for her! Still, talking to her made me remember how much I miss her. She probably my oldest friend, now…
Definitely one of my best. Who else is going to make fun of me like that?
Before heading back, I gave a call to Tail-Eater, making sure he was there. He is. I suspect him above all others, for tampering in my dreams. I was too suspicious when I asked my questions about nephandi last time, and he decided to look inside my mind. This is the most sensible explanation. Now it’s a long bus ride back.
Anymore. Hah. Admit it, I never needed it to begin with.
It was easy enough to find Jordan on the Rez. Again, it took some steeling before I could go up and knock on her door. What a shithole this place is. Nunam is worse, but not by much. BIA: Giving the kin a place to get cancer, and then die. She didn’t recognize me (no one does), so I told her I was Jacinta’s relative to avoid a scene outside. She had a guy over. He was really… tall. Really tall. I mean, huge. And, he was kinda… anyhow, she kicked him out (they argued some) so she could talk with me in private. He must not be clued or something. Or, that they fight as much as we used to. I swear, sometimes she acts like she has more rage than a theurge…
Well, breaking it to her went better than with Nova. At first, she thought I was here to tell her Ciuraq (me) had died. Then she thought I was joking about being him. Then she got accusative, thinking I was lying. I shared some more… intimate details about us, and she got really serious, really fast. She seemed… regretful. Not as bad as Nova, but not all the old wounds were healed. She still had feelings. Oh, great. Not what I needed. I started getting emotional when she did, and it only got worse from there. She said I was pretty, and that stung. That… was not what I wanted to hear. Before things got out of hand, I smoked a bit - awakened stuff - to get my rage under control. No frenzying on Jordan.
It helped just saying some of that stuff outloud. I’d told Nova the broad strokes, but I was trying to keep her from freaking out on me (and I was trying to avoid frenzy myself). I didn’t tell Jordan everything - far from it - but I told her more than I told anyone else. I didn’t /want to…/ but afterwards, I could feel some of the weight off my mind. She didn’t understand (How could she?), but she knew enough to realize how horrible things had been. And those weren’t even the worst. Gaia, I don’t even want to think about that. She tried to say maybe it was part of a plan, and I flipped out. Ranted. Told her I couldn’t take it, and hated every minute. How I should just accept it, but I can’t wrap my head around it. She started to tell me I shouldn’t; I should fight back, and… I thought she was going to tell me I should change and be with her. She didn’t. But I thought she was going to.
I lost it. I totally lost it. Thank gaia for the drugs, or I would have frenzied. Instead, I was a total wreck. God, it must have been a sight. Big, strong Ciuraq, athro warrior, having a break down in a Kin’s livingroom. She was there for me. She may be a dork sometimes, but god I miss her. She’s always stood up when I needed it.
We talked for a bit, once I finally collected myself again. She told me to take it a step at a time, and give it a real try; it’s my head that’s fucked up, not my instincts. Suggested I ‘look for the positives;’ said she’d go around peeing her name in snow, if she was a guy. I thought having aamaq would be great (until I actually had them), so I guess there’s that? I don’t know. She also suggested trying stuff I hadn’t found appealing before. Like, shaving, or dressing up different. It doesn’t sound appealing, but… I guess that’s the point? She managed to talk me into visiting again later. I’m wary, but, hell, I miss her. She’s a good friend.
We spent time catching up, talking about what’d happened in the sept since she left for the Rez. Pizza arrived, and it was like the Grandmother herself brought it from Summercountry. Best pizza I’d ever had. Most amazing pizza. I also took a shower, and took Jordan’s advice. Tried shaving. That… took a while. It feels nice, but geeze, doing that frequently? And the number of razors you’d go through. No one else in the Lake does, that I’m aware (and Jordan didn’t, when she lived there, either). I slept on the sofa. Things got… weird. Weirder. Things got weirder.
Started having a nightmare like always. The Nephandic stuff, involving the caern from over in the east. It was awful as always. But… something changed. Midway, I saw a wolf I hadn’t seen before. Uktena, definitely. Big grey male. I told him to leave me alone. He wouldn’t. Kept goading me, calling me names. Telling me to fight back. I was terrified, but I did. I went back to the caern, and killed them. Killed them all. And made the caern a sea of flames. I burned them all to ash. And I didn’t have another nightmare the rest of the night.
After months of the same few horrible dreams, and the best I’ve been having been neutral dreams - one neutral dream, after I caught the cannibal - actually having a good dream stood out like a giant red flag. And how crass the dream was - the lack of symbolism. Not a spirit. Someone was in my head. This is not my first time. That’s a tampered dream I had. The mage. It had to be the mage.
I was up before Jordan, and started putting together breakfast. Having a fridge is nice. I mean, it’s out of rhythm with the grandmother, but you don’t have to dry everything to make it last. Got to thinking about old times, and how it was probably hard on Jordan, too. About then, she finished her shower and came out. I asked Jordan if she’d had anything weird about her dreams. Nothing.
I also apologized for unloading on her the night before. She seemed to get it. We shared breakfast, and talked about how’d she been, the Rez, and so on. I took a shower, and shaved again. Nope, definitely a pain in the ass, no matter how nice it feels. Afterwards, Jordan wanted to take me shopping off the Rez. I tried to beg out of it, but ; I saw this coming - Unlike Nova, she even said some stuff that made me confident it was more for her than for me. I ended up going along with it for that reason. She kept pushing more… girly stuff, unlike Nova’s choice of more men-like stuff. Is girly the right word? I don't know. Less baggy, and showing more of my scars and tattoos. Maybe I’ll give some a try, later. She could be right - trying the same things hasn't help my mind get used to it. She also pushed me really hard to get a dress. I don’t know how she convinced me into going along with it. She can be really persuasive when she wants, I guess. I’ve always had a hard time telling her no. It was fine, and I guess wearing it was okay but after a bit… there were guys around. Nearby. I just agreed to whatever so we could get out as fast as we could.
Lunch gave me a chance to cool down, and more chance to find out how’d she been the last few years. She’s not serious about the tall guy, it seems like. Never ended up with Touch Deer, either. I guess I saw that coming. Her dead parents’ money’s kept her well, but she’s been working whenever the mood strikes her. Nothing serious. She made me promise about a dozen times that I’d come back and visit her soon. She also teased me for being short. Before it was for being too tall, now it’s for being so short. There’s no ‘perfect’ for her! Still, talking to her made me remember how much I miss her. She probably my oldest friend, now…
Definitely one of my best. Who else is going to make fun of me like that?
Before heading back, I gave a call to Tail-Eater, making sure he was there. He is. I suspect him above all others, for tampering in my dreams. I was too suspicious when I asked my questions about nephandi last time, and he decided to look inside my mind. This is the most sensible explanation. Now it’s a long bus ride back.
