Charlene induces cognative disonnace
Friday, 4 April 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipI finally did what Unfinished Business suggested, and went to the community hall. Nova was gone. Probably has been gone for a while. God, I feel like such an idiot. And an ass. Feeling so ‘threatened’ by a kin. I killed Carnage-Ikthya, for god’s sake. In his own territory. In single Combat. Yeah, a kin wants to make love. "Scary." God, I’m a fool.
I spent a while practicing calling elementals, but I wasn’t into it. After a bit, I went on down to the bawn and wandered around some. Finally settled near the Mammoth Skull, and thought about it for a while. I wish they still existed. Song of Vengeance came by, scared the hell out of me while I was thinking about it. I’d asked if she’d talked to Nova yet - I wanted to know why Nova was trying. She hadn’t, yet. I told her about how she came by, and even Esther thought she was there to mount me; how I didn’t want that. Song of Vengeance started going on about how it’s not bad, how it’s how life continues, and how it’s not submitting, but sharing - sure. Whatever. I’m not in a sharing mood.
She must have seen something in my expression as she was going on about this, because she started saying things like how I’m a bird put in water, and some other garbage about how she’s just telling me what some tribes think. Ape babble doesn’t work in lupus. It just looks… weird. Anyhow, told her that my tribe agreed with some of what she said, and said Unfinished Business reminded me that it was our duty, yesterday, before I went back to the lake. She started spouting Fury nonsense about how it’s not, and no one has a duty to make puppies ever, or anything. It felt weird, because suddenly I was on the other side of the argument, telling her how stupid that was.
I told her about Firewatcher, and Defiant Storm, and how we absolutely do have a duty. She didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. But it’s the way things are. She pointed out I was saying one thing, and then saying another. And she’s totally right. I can’t have it both ways. Either the old ways are right, or these crazy Fury nonsense ideas are right. They can’t both be. I started getting a headache, then. I can’t figure out which is right. Neither? Both? She claimed it was because I wasn’t comfortable in my skin, yet. Maybe.
Why am I even still dealing with this? What even got this started? Wasn’t I studying mages, and figuring out ways to fake Tass for their toys, last half moon? Now I’m laying around fixated on this stuff again. I thought I was over this? Grandmother, I’m worse than an ape with all this thinking.
I spent a while practicing calling elementals, but I wasn’t into it. After a bit, I went on down to the bawn and wandered around some. Finally settled near the Mammoth Skull, and thought about it for a while. I wish they still existed. Song of Vengeance came by, scared the hell out of me while I was thinking about it. I’d asked if she’d talked to Nova yet - I wanted to know why Nova was trying. She hadn’t, yet. I told her about how she came by, and even Esther thought she was there to mount me; how I didn’t want that. Song of Vengeance started going on about how it’s not bad, how it’s how life continues, and how it’s not submitting, but sharing - sure. Whatever. I’m not in a sharing mood.
She must have seen something in my expression as she was going on about this, because she started saying things like how I’m a bird put in water, and some other garbage about how she’s just telling me what some tribes think. Ape babble doesn’t work in lupus. It just looks… weird. Anyhow, told her that my tribe agreed with some of what she said, and said Unfinished Business reminded me that it was our duty, yesterday, before I went back to the lake. She started spouting Fury nonsense about how it’s not, and no one has a duty to make puppies ever, or anything. It felt weird, because suddenly I was on the other side of the argument, telling her how stupid that was.
I told her about Firewatcher, and Defiant Storm, and how we absolutely do have a duty. She didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. But it’s the way things are. She pointed out I was saying one thing, and then saying another. And she’s totally right. I can’t have it both ways. Either the old ways are right, or these crazy Fury nonsense ideas are right. They can’t both be. I started getting a headache, then. I can’t figure out which is right. Neither? Both? She claimed it was because I wasn’t comfortable in my skin, yet. Maybe.
Why am I even still dealing with this? What even got this started? Wasn’t I studying mages, and figuring out ways to fake Tass for their toys, last half moon? Now I’m laying around fixated on this stuff again. I thought I was over this? Grandmother, I’m worse than an ape with all this thinking.
