Immolation
Wednesday, 12 March 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipSleep isn’t coming easy. Seems like my body is dreading the dreams, and is fighting against getting rest. I might start performing rites to take charge of my dreams, so I can recover a bit. I’ve been feeling… flagged. The others know, I think.
I spent the day doing chores, checking traps - the last while had got me an abundant bounty. Three beavers, four squirrels, two marten, a coyote, and one last otter. With spring around the corner, I pulled my traps for this winter. I didn’t do bad for only a month. I think I could have done better if I had more time to prepare. As it is, I think this is a nice harvest for what little time I had. I skinned them all out and began drying them, and that took me most of the day.
Went by the farmhouse, looking for my sister to tell her about the Fury’s words, and I walked in on… Black-Light with the new cub. But he had a gun and a protective vest on. Very odd. I asked him if there was danger, and he said it as ‘because.’ I stopped interrupting, and listen to him explain about his auspice to her. They offered food, and I ate it, while listening. After the cub had left to go clean herself, Black-Light began talking to me. He asked me if I was feeling okay. At that point, I thought I had done a fine job acting well. When I asked him why he thought I wouldn’t be, he said my reaction to his question was enough on its own. I wasn’t in a mood for poking, so I left back to the lake.
I wanted to collect my thoughts, so I went to go make a fire and stare at it. It wasn’t big enough and my eyes kept wandering, so I went sideways, and made a big one there. I was hoping to attract some more enigmatic spirits, so I might work through my thoughts better. Instead, the fire was large enough that a small elemental came and payed attention to it, but it was ignoring me. All the same, I had a hard time organizing my thoughts.
Unfinished Business came, wondered why I was making such a big fire. I told her big fire for a big problems, but when she kept asking, I shut up. Instead, I talked to her about the totems for our pack. I ‘picked her brain’ for a bit, figuring out whether she could be a good fit for Uktena. She has some… wendigo thoughts, but seems like she could be a good fit. Of course, words alone are nothing; I need to see how she behaves. Still, I have good hopes for her as a packmate.
And, as a packmate, I decided I shouldn’t be hiding why I had behaved strangely to her, at times. My cousin would probably tell her eventually, anyhow, so I told her I used to be male. She seemed… incredulous at first, but then… was enthusiastic. Far too enthusiastic. She asked me if I liked it better as a female, and stated she expected that to be my liking. I nearly hit her right there. I told her I knew being a male best, and would prefer to be back that way - and I didn’t like some of the problems women’s bodies had. She said I should think I am lucky, and that others would be jealous to be like me. I started getting angry. Very angry.
My rage came up, and nearly boiled over. I held off frenzy, but just barely. It was so near to the surface, and so easy to grasp; I worry that even though I am older and wiser, my rage may still easily rule me.
She started to leave, and I stopped her, and apologized, and asked her to joke at me about other things, just not this topic, yet. I turned back when the fire-elemental decided to ask if I was a wolf person, or a… well, it doesn’t translate well, but ‘hippy’ was the general impression. I snapped back at it, asking if it was enjoying the show. I was… brusque. It made it fairly angry. It said it could boil me like a turnip, and burn me like wood. My rage was up at that point. All the poking, and poking, and poking… I don’t know why, but I decided I had to prove it wrong. I was going to prove everyone wrong. And somehow… the best way of doing that was throwing myself into the fire.
I know how dumb that sounds when I say it now. I… really have been making poor decisions, lately. My thoughts are not right.
The Fire Elemental goaded me on, while Unfinished-Business tried to ask me to get out. I don’t remember what I said, I just… endured. I stayed in the fire longer, and longer, and longer… until even the spirit began to realize that I wasn’t going to quit. And then I continued to stay in, like I was cooking myself. The pain was immense, but I didn’t care. Eventually, Unfinished-Business went to physically stop me, but the Fire Elemental didn’t want me to stop like that. It pulled the fire of me burning into itself, taking it off me, and grew brighter. I sneered at it a bit, but it replied that it was… not moved. Impressed. Very impressed, that I could be a fire myself, for so long. It told me that if I ever wanted to summon it with my tribe’s gift, it would come for a sister flame, and then showed me its secret sign to do so. Since there was nothing burning anymore, it left in the smoke.
Unfinished-Business thought I was insane. Maybe I am. This… is going to take a small while to heal.
To think I’ve been so paranoid about my fur catching fire for the last 8 years. After that? Hah. Fire is nothing.
I wonder if I can get the other elementals to teach me their signs, too? I could master all four, and call for them at will…
After I heal, anyhow.
I spent the day doing chores, checking traps - the last while had got me an abundant bounty. Three beavers, four squirrels, two marten, a coyote, and one last otter. With spring around the corner, I pulled my traps for this winter. I didn’t do bad for only a month. I think I could have done better if I had more time to prepare. As it is, I think this is a nice harvest for what little time I had. I skinned them all out and began drying them, and that took me most of the day.
Went by the farmhouse, looking for my sister to tell her about the Fury’s words, and I walked in on… Black-Light with the new cub. But he had a gun and a protective vest on. Very odd. I asked him if there was danger, and he said it as ‘because.’ I stopped interrupting, and listen to him explain about his auspice to her. They offered food, and I ate it, while listening. After the cub had left to go clean herself, Black-Light began talking to me. He asked me if I was feeling okay. At that point, I thought I had done a fine job acting well. When I asked him why he thought I wouldn’t be, he said my reaction to his question was enough on its own. I wasn’t in a mood for poking, so I left back to the lake.
I wanted to collect my thoughts, so I went to go make a fire and stare at it. It wasn’t big enough and my eyes kept wandering, so I went sideways, and made a big one there. I was hoping to attract some more enigmatic spirits, so I might work through my thoughts better. Instead, the fire was large enough that a small elemental came and payed attention to it, but it was ignoring me. All the same, I had a hard time organizing my thoughts.
Unfinished Business came, wondered why I was making such a big fire. I told her big fire for a big problems, but when she kept asking, I shut up. Instead, I talked to her about the totems for our pack. I ‘picked her brain’ for a bit, figuring out whether she could be a good fit for Uktena. She has some… wendigo thoughts, but seems like she could be a good fit. Of course, words alone are nothing; I need to see how she behaves. Still, I have good hopes for her as a packmate.
And, as a packmate, I decided I shouldn’t be hiding why I had behaved strangely to her, at times. My cousin would probably tell her eventually, anyhow, so I told her I used to be male. She seemed… incredulous at first, but then… was enthusiastic. Far too enthusiastic. She asked me if I liked it better as a female, and stated she expected that to be my liking. I nearly hit her right there. I told her I knew being a male best, and would prefer to be back that way - and I didn’t like some of the problems women’s bodies had. She said I should think I am lucky, and that others would be jealous to be like me. I started getting angry. Very angry.
My rage came up, and nearly boiled over. I held off frenzy, but just barely. It was so near to the surface, and so easy to grasp; I worry that even though I am older and wiser, my rage may still easily rule me.
She started to leave, and I stopped her, and apologized, and asked her to joke at me about other things, just not this topic, yet. I turned back when the fire-elemental decided to ask if I was a wolf person, or a… well, it doesn’t translate well, but ‘hippy’ was the general impression. I snapped back at it, asking if it was enjoying the show. I was… brusque. It made it fairly angry. It said it could boil me like a turnip, and burn me like wood. My rage was up at that point. All the poking, and poking, and poking… I don’t know why, but I decided I had to prove it wrong. I was going to prove everyone wrong. And somehow… the best way of doing that was throwing myself into the fire.
I know how dumb that sounds when I say it now. I… really have been making poor decisions, lately. My thoughts are not right.
The Fire Elemental goaded me on, while Unfinished-Business tried to ask me to get out. I don’t remember what I said, I just… endured. I stayed in the fire longer, and longer, and longer… until even the spirit began to realize that I wasn’t going to quit. And then I continued to stay in, like I was cooking myself. The pain was immense, but I didn’t care. Eventually, Unfinished-Business went to physically stop me, but the Fire Elemental didn’t want me to stop like that. It pulled the fire of me burning into itself, taking it off me, and grew brighter. I sneered at it a bit, but it replied that it was… not moved. Impressed. Very impressed, that I could be a fire myself, for so long. It told me that if I ever wanted to summon it with my tribe’s gift, it would come for a sister flame, and then showed me its secret sign to do so. Since there was nothing burning anymore, it left in the smoke.
Unfinished-Business thought I was insane. Maybe I am. This… is going to take a small while to heal.
To think I’ve been so paranoid about my fur catching fire for the last 8 years. After that? Hah. Fire is nothing.
I wonder if I can get the other elementals to teach me their signs, too? I could master all four, and call for them at will…
After I heal, anyhow.
