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I don’t remember my dreams at all from last night, but I didn’t sleep even remotely well. It’s probably to do more with the fact that I had all my guts rifled through before I went to sleep. I woke up needing to pee blood, which I’m very sure is not the normal way it works. I made a very bad decision by agreeing so soon. I have incredibly powerful Tuunrat, imagine what would have happened if I had arrayed many of them in working with the Mage? I remember he expressed… is it optimism? I have a hard time sharing it, now that we’ve used up what was probably the easiest way we had.

While I was pissing blood, the Black Fury Metis - the moose calf one -  showed up, and I started launching into “Seriously I’m Little Silvertip” introduction, which he said he already knew; he said he was in the caern when I got back. I don’t remember him in the Caern when I arrived, but then again I was so faint from blood loss that he probably could have been on my head and I wouldn’t remember. He said he came by to check how I was.

Of course, he wanted to know why I’m missing… you know… and I gave him the rough story. I’m not looking forward to telling everyone this repeatedly. In fact, if I could go a few days without thinking about it, that’d be best. Maybe a blanket announcement at Moot. I don’t know.

I mentioned the mistakes that I’d made - the big ones - and I don’t think he got it. Maybe he’s the ‘no litany broken, no problem’ type. But… I don’t know. He acted like not admitting begin wrong was a bigger problem. I disagree, but I don’t think this is something I could get him to agree on. He seems ape… sorry, Human in his thinking, like what you intended to do matters. I was feeling pretty bad, so I slept the rest of the morning.

I went to the Caern after I woke up - it was snowing! Oh, I missed the snow. So nice on the fur. And every scent is new! It didn’t stick around, but I could smell it up in the mountains. I decided I was definitely going back into the mountains at night. I looked over the caern, and looked over its form. The symbolism is a little heavy handed, but flaming eagles and orb weavers are rarely known for their subtlety. I didn’t open the caern (who’s the master of the Rite now?), but I did enough of it to get a feel for how the Caern moved in response to it. It feels interesting, in the Tritatic sense. What does the caern do when you open it? More investigation is required. I stayed the hell away from the caves. That’s what got me into trouble to begin with. I could smell other wolf people had been in them. What idiots do that? Aside from me. I spent a while afterwards meditating, and filling my spirit with energy again. It was so refreshing that I did a few leaps with the Bird’s Blessing.

I noticed Fire-Dancer showed up afterwards, and seemed pretty happy I was feeling better, and one less tail. She asked how I managed it, and I gave her a very rough picture. She wouldn’t understand the details anyhow. I only understand about half of them myself. I left the Mage out. That out of the way, we talked about what she suggested I do. I ran through those I’d met since we last talked, and spoke of finding positive things about them. Even those I’m not impressed with. It’s easy to say nice things about others. A Black Spiral Dancer might have nice teeth. Is that what makes others like them? Afterward, she told me I should spend more time as an Ape (Sorry, Human), speaking kassacetun. Eh. I will do this. It’s only a short while.

After a bit, she asked me if I ever sired pups. I told her that the wolves here couldn’t improve my bloodline (they’d only add more white blood), and that I’d never got around to having children with Nova. And about then, it hit me like a falling tree to the head: I might never sire pups. I might have them, but… I shouldn’t think about this now. I have too much thinking going on anyhow. A messy head makes a messy wolf. Too much thinking-thinking-thinking just makes things worse. We talked a bit about her daughter. I think I understand that her daughter is related to a Fury, and maybe has non-white blood. She comes from a good line of Get of Fenris (or… a line of Get of Fenris who are well bred, anyhow). Did she also realize that white blood rots the soul?

Scar showed up as we were talking about her daughter; he wanted to ask about the analysis I did. But before that, I apologized for ignoring his wisdom after I slew Carnage-Ikthya. I offered contrition too, but he didn’t seem interested. I meant it, too - I am not some dumb ape (Homid, dammit) who charges off alone, leaving challenges unanswered, and the caern in crisis when she gets trapped. I should know better. Anyhow, the analysis. I told him what I found, though I left out how I did. I told him how Yellow Horse gave the goo, and that I looked into it. He wanted it, but I don’t keep apeflesh dedicated to myself. That’s just disgusting. So I went back to grab it. Well, after I talked to a weird Ragabash Fury. She behaves very strangely, and has a scar fetish of some sort. I didn’t like her at all.

I headed back up to my cache, and got the man flesh to Scar to look into, before going back. Walking back and forth, I had some time to think about what I wanted to trade to the Mage for his aid. I decided to get some help with something a Mage would want by asking checking my source. I’m getting better at lying to them each time, I think. I kept the details simple and true: I needed to pay off a mage. The bastard walked me through an elaborate chart that could placate him. I understand some of it, but so much of this is beyond my grasp. The bastard confirmed this: there are shortcuts for us, from our intrinsic spirits. I asked about traditions, and about orphans. Apparently, he’s some sort of ronin mage. That might to be my benefit. Who wants to be alone?

I had copied down the chart a dozen times with my story knife, before a sudden thought occurred to me - When I staggered away, I left the extra bit of my flesh laying there. I was immediately distracted until night fell, when I jumped into the Umbra the moment I could. I ran into Neryarta, who was taking a nap. I woke him up, and asked him to come with me so we could go get it. He was… grouchy. Very grouchy. He didn’t know understand the big crisis was, but he’s very trusting in general. When I finally got to the clearing, he threw a small fit over getting woke up, and headed off for a snack. Sigh. I’ll have to play with later, help him forget this. I found the tail, and took it. I’m destroying it right now. I just need to get the one Memory has, and I’ll be safer again.

Going back to the realm, I ran into the Mage again. He scared the piss out of me, and I nearly took his head off. Luckily, I have good control, or something. Though, perhaps I shouldn’t have gone to war form so quickly. I told him that I thought we didn’t have a fair trade, but he stuck to only wanting to be left alone. When I pressed him enough, he asked to be taught spirit things. I laughed so hard when he said that - I didn’t tell him I’d spent 5 hours practicing just that! I’m lucky, some times.

We went to his home, which was about an hours walk away - he drove. There was a Cat there, but I don’t think the Cat was the kind who was going to take secrets and give them to Black Furies. He spent most of his time upstairs, which was good. I re-drew the chart the best I could, including some basic information on realm-structure that he might have found helpful. Looking at the original now, I think I made mistakes in his, but nothing that should be too bad. Or, maybe it’s disastrous - what do I know about world-warper magic, anyhow?

It was good enough that he was very, very impressed by it. I got a little cocky about how well that went, and I may have strutted a little. I used what I showed him as bait for my hook, saying we should work together, and learn from each other. Imagine what magic I could learn! I used my gift to make my words more polished, though, and he sensed that instantly. This made him annoyed.

Grandmother’s tits. This is why I need Fire Dancer. This mage and I are a good fit, and I screw it up by things I do. Add the other tribes to the list of people I anger, too. He got over it fast enough, but it still shouldn’t have happened.

The gist of his reply is that we don’t have enough trust or history to agree to anything yet. We work in similar ways, which is good, but we know each other well for… two days? Very short time. I let him run around on Memory’s firm oath before I knew who he was, and he stopped hiding to help me, so there is some respect and trust. Also, at any time, either of us could have easily killed the other. He also fed me an interesting bit of gossip about Memory taking credit for something she didn’t do. I don’t judge her - I have been nebulous about how I’ve accomplished things in the past, too. I think all of this counts for something. It’s probably a good seed.

On the way back to the mountains, I had a change to clear my head, trot without thinking. I ran into a deer on the way back, but I couldn’t get it to run so I could chase it. Eventually, it went to go stand in a small pond. No fresh meat tonight, I guess. I should be adjusting the parka so it fits my current shape tonight, but instead I’m studying this drawing again. I think if I figure some more of it out, it will go a long way to understanding how world-warpers work their craft. I won’t go back to the Community hall just yet - this is a very interesting puzzle.

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March 2019

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