Dissappointment and guilt for everyone!
Saturday, 7 June 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipI woke up so late that as soon as I did, I realized I was late for my meeting with Ila. I barely had time to eat anything before I was trotting up to get the bone, and running downhill to meet her along the road.
Luckily(?), she was late, because her van broke down, and she had to walk the rest of the way down the dirt road. I tried to talk to her a bit, but… language problems. We quickly left the road, and I showed her the remains I had. She didn’t react too negatively to holding human bones (Well, probably fomor bones).
She pulled out crystals, and started doing… some sort of dousing thing? Hard to tell. I started sensing about for any magics she might be working. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. So my suspicions were probably wrong. Or… maybe I sensed nothing because she failed. Ila told me little, and acted like this was a failure to her; she apologized for gleaming nothing. That would be a good reason for not sensing magic. But so would her not being able to work it. I’m not sure which is the case.
Maybe her future divination was bunk, too. She seemed like she had some insight into me at the time, but… maybe she was just telling me things that I made fit to myself. That might mean there’s more hope than I thought, for changing back. It also would mean she’s a fraud. She does admit to lying to the whites at times… is she lying to me?
After I offered to help her with the vehicle, I told her I’d come back later, to make sure she left without problems. I went back to the lake to eat, clean, set some fish traps, and keep reading the grimoire.
This book is great. Useful. Interesting. And… I’m rapidly beginning to suspect, won’t help me change at all. "Bodily functions" is a very literal thing. If I wanted to slow down my metabolism, or increase my fertility, there’s some interesting ideas here. I’m taxing my knowledge of medicine, from all that the kinfolk taught all those years back, with some of the things here - others seem more mystical in nature, and not really corresponding to any parts of living things that you can cut out. It talks about males and females, their parts, their differences, but so far, I see nothing that would help me with going from one to the other.
I was getting through a bit of reference about the warmth of different bits of fur (what an odd thing to study) when I looked up, and Turtle was standing there, watching me. I have no idea how long he’d been there, I was so busy reading. He, of course, was curious what I was reading, and I told him it was about medicine for making me male again. He asked me about it (made a joke), and got me thinking that… I miss my mate. But lately, especially with the banes out of my head, I’m getting more comfortable like this. I mean, I wish I was half again bigger, and had huge muscles for beating around wyrmthings when I need to, but the Grandmother made my family short, and when I started looking like them, that came with it. And those other, more annoying things, too.
Turtle talked about some unrest happening in the scabs, that he thinks will be spreading here soon. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that this fighting was used to cover up attacks on septs in other places. But not one sort of attack: Banes, fomori, fallen tribe. No single thing. There’s not enough information there to act on, though, just vague stories and concerns that it’ll happen here, soon, too. Somehow I went from that to… talking about how busy I was. How Fells-the-Wyrm was asking me to fix her, and how I kept finding myself doing things other than combat for the whites. I reigned in my temper pretty fast, though.
We talked about money for flying east to investigate, and money for new documentation for me, and I mentioned I didn’t even have money to return on the bus after visiting Jordan at the Rez. Thomas said something particular. He said that was the first time he’d ever heard me call someone a friend, and this place was lonely. That really… that really bit into me. Especially after Memory showed she wasn’t a friend, yesterday. My sister and I don’t talk. My cousin is too young to talk to for her to understand. Unfinished Business is too concerned about boys, and isn’t mature enough. Touch Deer is gone. Untangler is gone. Malia is gone. Hummingbird is gone. Jordan is gone. Nova is painful to see. Peacekeeper is gone. Pathfinder is gone. Everyone is… dead, or off on grand quests, or gone back to their family. I have no-one near my age and rank I can talk to honestly, without having to teach them so much, or be the Elder to them. And no kin for being with, to take comfort from.
We talked for a bit more, but I wasn’t in the mood anymore. Instead, we pulled out some things to fish with, and kept fishing until it was time to check on Ila. That cheered me up some. Ila made it out, so I came back to the lake and resumed reading the book.
I got through a bit on phlegm (who writes that much about phlegm!), and was beginning to realize that after all the panic of yesterday, the book might not help me all in being with Nova again. Unfinished Business must have returned while I wasn’t paying attention, and had finished some drum, and came out to share her triumph with me. I snapped at her twice, before asking what she wanted. It’s not a bad drum. Not a bad first try. I asked her if she’d had her first dance yet, and she hadn’t, but I had to mention that it could be a good way for a boy to notice her to get her interested. Unfinished Business would have a good body for it, too. She didn’t believe me when I said it was all in the hips. Well, that, and for me, how big their chest was. But I didn’t tell her that part.
Gaia, if I change back? I’m not going to look at women the same way anymore.
Talking about dancing lead to talking about her people, and she mentioned her grandmother. She hadn’t been back to see her grandmother since her first change. Unfortunately, she’s so far away, I couldn’t say ‘go visit her after we attack, and before the moot.’ I did tell her that after her challenge, she should strongly consider it, and learn more about her people, and her family history while her grandmother was still alive. She replied that she hoped it would be fun now, because before her grandmother was so ‘boring.’ What the hell, Unfinished Business? What. The. Hell. No respect. No respect at all. It’s her grandmother! Ugh.
She started waxing on about how she didn’t know how she’d tell her grandmother about her dead twin (who wasn’t dead), and she started giving me a headache, so I distracted her with talk of boys again. It works too easily on her. I went back to reading for a while longer, but talk of visiting grandmothers, my lack of friends, how lonely it was… it distracted me until it was time to go to the spirit lands.
It seems like Neryarta spends much of his time lately telling me what I’m doing wrong. He’d tell me it’s because I’m doing more things wrong lately, but I think it’s because I’ve been more open with him lately, than before. Maybe that’s a mistake. It probably is. He asked what I was so surly about, and I told him about Memory, and the friends thing, and how I felt too busy all the sudden, and how Fells-the-Wyrm wanted me to save her brain, and… Neryarta cut me off there.
He wanted to know why I was passing on Fells-the-Wyrm’s problems, but was planning to go ahead with my experiments. I didn’t have an answer that didn’t involve me sounding greedy - like I’d rather spend a little time on myself, instead of dealing with every problem the Wyrmcomers have. He pointed out that if her tribe’s medicine people had already looked at her, and the European medicine workers had examined her, then those who could still help probably included myself and Mouse. And Mouse is gone. So, basically, I’m choosing to let her die to advance my own powers and learning (he says, in a “I don’t mind if you do, but be honest that you’re basically letting her expire” sort of way).
I’m a warrior. I’ll be, yet again, acting outside of my auspice on this. This isn’t working spirits to aid me in battle, or defeat a foe in clever ways. This is nearly entirely medicine moon work. On the other hand, Uktena asks we recover things, lore and animals from the horned serpent. Still, I worry that others will claim I am trying to be all the auspices - law keeper who finds cannibals, spirit worker who heals minds, warrior who fights battles. Have I tried to act as a scout and Story-Knife before? But Neryarta is right, as always: If I don’t help, I might as well be killing her, and there’s no honour in that.
If I'm going to help Fells-the-Wyrm, I'm going to need help. Spirit help. Neryarta is, as always, going to be willing to bring succor (we'll see if he feels that way when he finds out she's part of the tribe that killed off the bear people), but I'll need mystical help. Time to go to the totem to start hunting down spirits that can help me understand the magic she's under.
Luckily(?), she was late, because her van broke down, and she had to walk the rest of the way down the dirt road. I tried to talk to her a bit, but… language problems. We quickly left the road, and I showed her the remains I had. She didn’t react too negatively to holding human bones (Well, probably fomor bones).
She pulled out crystals, and started doing… some sort of dousing thing? Hard to tell. I started sensing about for any magics she might be working. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. So my suspicions were probably wrong. Or… maybe I sensed nothing because she failed. Ila told me little, and acted like this was a failure to her; she apologized for gleaming nothing. That would be a good reason for not sensing magic. But so would her not being able to work it. I’m not sure which is the case.
Maybe her future divination was bunk, too. She seemed like she had some insight into me at the time, but… maybe she was just telling me things that I made fit to myself. That might mean there’s more hope than I thought, for changing back. It also would mean she’s a fraud. She does admit to lying to the whites at times… is she lying to me?
After I offered to help her with the vehicle, I told her I’d come back later, to make sure she left without problems. I went back to the lake to eat, clean, set some fish traps, and keep reading the grimoire.
This book is great. Useful. Interesting. And… I’m rapidly beginning to suspect, won’t help me change at all. "Bodily functions" is a very literal thing. If I wanted to slow down my metabolism, or increase my fertility, there’s some interesting ideas here. I’m taxing my knowledge of medicine, from all that the kinfolk taught all those years back, with some of the things here - others seem more mystical in nature, and not really corresponding to any parts of living things that you can cut out. It talks about males and females, their parts, their differences, but so far, I see nothing that would help me with going from one to the other.
I was getting through a bit of reference about the warmth of different bits of fur (what an odd thing to study) when I looked up, and Turtle was standing there, watching me. I have no idea how long he’d been there, I was so busy reading. He, of course, was curious what I was reading, and I told him it was about medicine for making me male again. He asked me about it (made a joke), and got me thinking that… I miss my mate. But lately, especially with the banes out of my head, I’m getting more comfortable like this. I mean, I wish I was half again bigger, and had huge muscles for beating around wyrmthings when I need to, but the Grandmother made my family short, and when I started looking like them, that came with it. And those other, more annoying things, too.
Turtle talked about some unrest happening in the scabs, that he thinks will be spreading here soon. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that this fighting was used to cover up attacks on septs in other places. But not one sort of attack: Banes, fomori, fallen tribe. No single thing. There’s not enough information there to act on, though, just vague stories and concerns that it’ll happen here, soon, too. Somehow I went from that to… talking about how busy I was. How Fells-the-Wyrm was asking me to fix her, and how I kept finding myself doing things other than combat for the whites. I reigned in my temper pretty fast, though.
We talked about money for flying east to investigate, and money for new documentation for me, and I mentioned I didn’t even have money to return on the bus after visiting Jordan at the Rez. Thomas said something particular. He said that was the first time he’d ever heard me call someone a friend, and this place was lonely. That really… that really bit into me. Especially after Memory showed she wasn’t a friend, yesterday. My sister and I don’t talk. My cousin is too young to talk to for her to understand. Unfinished Business is too concerned about boys, and isn’t mature enough. Touch Deer is gone. Untangler is gone. Malia is gone. Hummingbird is gone. Jordan is gone. Nova is painful to see. Peacekeeper is gone. Pathfinder is gone. Everyone is… dead, or off on grand quests, or gone back to their family. I have no-one near my age and rank I can talk to honestly, without having to teach them so much, or be the Elder to them. And no kin for being with, to take comfort from.
We talked for a bit more, but I wasn’t in the mood anymore. Instead, we pulled out some things to fish with, and kept fishing until it was time to check on Ila. That cheered me up some. Ila made it out, so I came back to the lake and resumed reading the book.
I got through a bit on phlegm (who writes that much about phlegm!), and was beginning to realize that after all the panic of yesterday, the book might not help me all in being with Nova again. Unfinished Business must have returned while I wasn’t paying attention, and had finished some drum, and came out to share her triumph with me. I snapped at her twice, before asking what she wanted. It’s not a bad drum. Not a bad first try. I asked her if she’d had her first dance yet, and she hadn’t, but I had to mention that it could be a good way for a boy to notice her to get her interested. Unfinished Business would have a good body for it, too. She didn’t believe me when I said it was all in the hips. Well, that, and for me, how big their chest was. But I didn’t tell her that part.
Gaia, if I change back? I’m not going to look at women the same way anymore.
Talking about dancing lead to talking about her people, and she mentioned her grandmother. She hadn’t been back to see her grandmother since her first change. Unfortunately, she’s so far away, I couldn’t say ‘go visit her after we attack, and before the moot.’ I did tell her that after her challenge, she should strongly consider it, and learn more about her people, and her family history while her grandmother was still alive. She replied that she hoped it would be fun now, because before her grandmother was so ‘boring.’ What the hell, Unfinished Business? What. The. Hell. No respect. No respect at all. It’s her grandmother! Ugh.
She started waxing on about how she didn’t know how she’d tell her grandmother about her dead twin (who wasn’t dead), and she started giving me a headache, so I distracted her with talk of boys again. It works too easily on her. I went back to reading for a while longer, but talk of visiting grandmothers, my lack of friends, how lonely it was… it distracted me until it was time to go to the spirit lands.
It seems like Neryarta spends much of his time lately telling me what I’m doing wrong. He’d tell me it’s because I’m doing more things wrong lately, but I think it’s because I’ve been more open with him lately, than before. Maybe that’s a mistake. It probably is. He asked what I was so surly about, and I told him about Memory, and the friends thing, and how I felt too busy all the sudden, and how Fells-the-Wyrm wanted me to save her brain, and… Neryarta cut me off there.
He wanted to know why I was passing on Fells-the-Wyrm’s problems, but was planning to go ahead with my experiments. I didn’t have an answer that didn’t involve me sounding greedy - like I’d rather spend a little time on myself, instead of dealing with every problem the Wyrmcomers have. He pointed out that if her tribe’s medicine people had already looked at her, and the European medicine workers had examined her, then those who could still help probably included myself and Mouse. And Mouse is gone. So, basically, I’m choosing to let her die to advance my own powers and learning (he says, in a “I don’t mind if you do, but be honest that you’re basically letting her expire” sort of way).
I’m a warrior. I’ll be, yet again, acting outside of my auspice on this. This isn’t working spirits to aid me in battle, or defeat a foe in clever ways. This is nearly entirely medicine moon work. On the other hand, Uktena asks we recover things, lore and animals from the horned serpent. Still, I worry that others will claim I am trying to be all the auspices - law keeper who finds cannibals, spirit worker who heals minds, warrior who fights battles. Have I tried to act as a scout and Story-Knife before? But Neryarta is right, as always: If I don’t help, I might as well be killing her, and there’s no honour in that.
If I'm going to help Fells-the-Wyrm, I'm going to need help. Spirit help. Neryarta is, as always, going to be willing to bring succor (we'll see if he feels that way when he finds out she's part of the tribe that killed off the bear people), but I'll need mystical help. Time to go to the totem to start hunting down spirits that can help me understand the magic she's under.
