Perchance to dream
Monday, 17 March 2014 23:00![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipThe nightmares were… horrible. The nightmares have been bad in general, but they’ve gone from bad to worse. I dreamt I was the black spiral dancer, crucified upside down, and being… defiled. Again and again. My sternum was cracked open as the mage… the Nephandus kept my heart beating. Blood all over my face and…
Ugh. No rest. No rest at all.
Still pretty burnt, but I got enough feeling and movement back in my fingers to sew. I figured it was as good of a time as any to work on my headdress. I got through making the band when Unfinished Business came by. She was in lupus, and I had to yell at her for that. I tried to… explain why I’d been so angry with her before, about how I didn’t see what I was going through - having lost so much of my life - as desirable. She’s so wrapped up like a little Fury, seeing nothing desirable in manhood. She’s a little shit like that. And arrogant, too. And so wrapped up in her stupid culled brother. If he was still around, I might cull him on principle.
I worked through the night, until I fell asleep from exhaustion. There it was again, the Nephandic ritual, being enacted in my head, with me as the centerpiece. The things that bastard did to me in my sleep…
The things he carved in my face…
I was healed enough to move out of the community hall, and move around with fur again. I went to study again, and try to undo some of the damage I’d done to the my research materials. The biggest loss is definitely the mage’s circle of math. I don’t even remember half of what went into it. The Mandala was easily re-done, now that I’ve re-created it so many times. When I re-made it, I realized some of the outer track made more sense. That is, if you inverted it. The Nephandic rituals, their outlook - everything I’d just had crammed into my head - was about degeneration and annihilation. What’s here involves creation, and reformation. The other half is just gibberish to me, still. I know I’m going to need to learn some of their writing system for this to be anything other than ape scribbles to me.
I messed around with the mage focus some - the ray gun. No great progress there. I’ve had the entire time I’ve been recovering to think about it, and the best I can come up with hasn’t been very satisfactory. It did occur to me that the mage treated this a lot like a wyrmcomer would treat a talen - something to be fawned over, and obsessed about by its maker. I don’t think it’s because the mages worship the objects, like the idiots worship ‘spirits.’ Any more insights elude me. I damn near broke the thing out of frustration.
I headed back to the lake, and slept again. Sleep was… horrible. I dreamed about the third ritual she described. My body, broke across a pyramid shaped rock, my belly cut open as the will worker pulled out loop after loop of intestines… while other things emerged from my split belly…
I got woke up by my name. It was the hideous metis, back again. She told me that she’d been bothered by a bear. Oh, god. Neryarta was still going around, freaking out. He’d talked to her - that doesn’t surprise me. He’s been trying to tell anyone who will listen. Just no one else knows how to understand him, around here… except for the Metis. I lied, told her he was worrying about nothing. She asked to check me for the horned serpent’s taint.
It as about then I realized she already had - we’d talked about learning that gift from her, earlier. I was caught.
I thought about killing her so she wouldn’t tell anyone. It was no good. She’d already told others. Neryarta was going keep telling others, too. I worried she would tell enough that would reveal my secrets, but she put that worry at ease when she said she wanted to avoid scandal. I told her I would work on it myself. I will. I swear. I’ve just been busy. She went to go get another, ‘just in case’ I failed in dealing with it. I seriously thought about running, to avoid my sister learning. I… I have to deal with this, now.
Well, I can deal with it later. Now, what I really need is more ‘rest.'
Ugh. No rest. No rest at all.
Still pretty burnt, but I got enough feeling and movement back in my fingers to sew. I figured it was as good of a time as any to work on my headdress. I got through making the band when Unfinished Business came by. She was in lupus, and I had to yell at her for that. I tried to… explain why I’d been so angry with her before, about how I didn’t see what I was going through - having lost so much of my life - as desirable. She’s so wrapped up like a little Fury, seeing nothing desirable in manhood. She’s a little shit like that. And arrogant, too. And so wrapped up in her stupid culled brother. If he was still around, I might cull him on principle.
I worked through the night, until I fell asleep from exhaustion. There it was again, the Nephandic ritual, being enacted in my head, with me as the centerpiece. The things that bastard did to me in my sleep…
The things he carved in my face…
I was healed enough to move out of the community hall, and move around with fur again. I went to study again, and try to undo some of the damage I’d done to the my research materials. The biggest loss is definitely the mage’s circle of math. I don’t even remember half of what went into it. The Mandala was easily re-done, now that I’ve re-created it so many times. When I re-made it, I realized some of the outer track made more sense. That is, if you inverted it. The Nephandic rituals, their outlook - everything I’d just had crammed into my head - was about degeneration and annihilation. What’s here involves creation, and reformation. The other half is just gibberish to me, still. I know I’m going to need to learn some of their writing system for this to be anything other than ape scribbles to me.
I messed around with the mage focus some - the ray gun. No great progress there. I’ve had the entire time I’ve been recovering to think about it, and the best I can come up with hasn’t been very satisfactory. It did occur to me that the mage treated this a lot like a wyrmcomer would treat a talen - something to be fawned over, and obsessed about by its maker. I don’t think it’s because the mages worship the objects, like the idiots worship ‘spirits.’ Any more insights elude me. I damn near broke the thing out of frustration.
I headed back to the lake, and slept again. Sleep was… horrible. I dreamed about the third ritual she described. My body, broke across a pyramid shaped rock, my belly cut open as the will worker pulled out loop after loop of intestines… while other things emerged from my split belly…
I got woke up by my name. It was the hideous metis, back again. She told me that she’d been bothered by a bear. Oh, god. Neryarta was still going around, freaking out. He’d talked to her - that doesn’t surprise me. He’s been trying to tell anyone who will listen. Just no one else knows how to understand him, around here… except for the Metis. I lied, told her he was worrying about nothing. She asked to check me for the horned serpent’s taint.
It as about then I realized she already had - we’d talked about learning that gift from her, earlier. I was caught.
I thought about killing her so she wouldn’t tell anyone. It was no good. She’d already told others. Neryarta was going keep telling others, too. I worried she would tell enough that would reveal my secrets, but she put that worry at ease when she said she wanted to avoid scandal. I told her I would work on it myself. I will. I swear. I’ve just been busy. She went to go get another, ‘just in case’ I failed in dealing with it. I seriously thought about running, to avoid my sister learning. I… I have to deal with this, now.
Well, I can deal with it later. Now, what I really need is more ‘rest.'
