The trainwreck had to happen eventually, right?
Monday, 24 February 2014 21:07![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
littlesilvertipI woke up, and panicked. I knew it would happen eventually, but I’ve pretended like it was never coming. And I panicked. I was done here. I had to go back. I was… filthy. I stunk. I was hungry constantly, and I was soaked most of the time. I left a message for Scar letting him know about the cannibal - it was so easy when I had deeper concerns - and left as fast as I could. I need… something. Guidance. I need my head on straight. I need to talk to my sister like Shrouded Arrow said I should have.
It wasn’t hard to find her. Hell, it’s been harder to avoid her. I must have looked like hell. She didn’t seem surprised to see me like this, and she didn’t ask how I got this way. I’m glad. I don’t want to revisit those memories, especially today. She told me to make a parka already (okay, I know what I’m doing tonight), and maqi.
Instead of telling her what was most on my heart, I told her about the cannibal, and who it was, to help keep them out of the Caern. She was… worried that I hadn’t already captured her. How do I explain that I didn’t because I feel sympathy for her? Gratitude for her kindness? And haven’t I done enough already? More than anyone others had. I should be allowed to leave it. I tried to say it wasn’t our concern, that we should leave it for the law keepers, but she wasn’t having it. She ordered me, as Warder, and I said I’d do it, unhappily. She pointed out how at odds my actions were - trying to get her barred from the caern, and worrying about her catching sent and running, but doing nothing to stop either.
As usual, she’s right. Grandmother, my head is just a mess. The right thing to do would have been to slit her tendons in her sleep with silver, and then bring her in when I had the chance. Instead, I waffle for days, making no action but to avoid all action. My head is too crowded, and has too little room, from no sleep.
We were quite for a while, as I tried to wrap my head around how… hard it is to wrap my head around things. I mentioned that I may be as I am for a very long time. She agreed. I started to say that Shrouded Arrow encouraged me to talk to her, but I changed the subject with some jokes about Shrouded Arrow’s tribe instead. We talked about that, how Esther is here (and how it might not be a bad idea to bring more family down here), and I asked if she’d seen her Athro present (she didn’t go through my stuff), but the whole time she was cool. I don’t know if she knows what to make of me, either.
It was some comment about how she was nearly wrong about me coming back, and her saying how I still face my own challenges… and that she was there. I let it out. The confusion, the mixed up feelings, and the fact that my head is all in knots. I don’t think I expressed it well. I just rambled. She, cooly, told me that none of them can help me at all. It’s up to me to answer some questions, but not… not how I think things should be, but how I feel things are.
I have been thinking too much.
We went back to the mountains, and I… may have asked her a few questions, asking her to keep it private. I wonder what I took for granted as a guy that she would need to figure out. Again, I get the feeling she was cool towards me. Where Esther was so glad to see me, Jacinta… I don’t know if she knew what to do with me.
I got the chance to eat my own food, and then maqi. All that stink from before washes off. I might have taken some drugs, to help open my head up. It help so much, the food, the warmth, and the the cleaning. I let my spirit wander a bit, like I hadn’t done in a while. I don’t have answers to her questions, but the peyote is kicking in, and I definitely have… feelings.
“Does your outward form impact how you view yourself?”
I’m a hunter, and one of the best workers of spirits and magic in this sept. I’ve won my battles through strength of mind over strength of arms. I feel the same. Except the kin, no one even saw the threat of the cannibal, while I unweaved her secrets. Others still come to me for my wisdom (even though it’s been lacking, lately). Nothing about this changed.
“Does it impact how you feel?”
I don’t think of Nova with the same feelings as before. My feelings about my body are not nearly as concerned as much as my mind says I should - the two are at war. I’ve always been in tune with my body and instincts; it’s always been easy to feel the pull of the wolf. Now both my instincts and my body are telling me different things from before.
“It need not impact what you do, unless you feel that you should be doing other things.”
I get so much of my strength through keeping the old ways. They’ve seen me through every disaster, gained insight about all my foes, and turned many of them into dust. Keeping the ancient spirit-pacts, the ground itself can rise up to fight for me. I remember when they made so many banes burst into the sun’s fire, on my rank challenge, leaving the horned serpent’s dead everywhere, and us barely touched. The old ways purged all of turtle island of the horned serpent. Should I be doing other things? It’s not that different - women hunt, women fish, women trap. For kin, there’s less going to war, but I’m not kin, so whatever. Just don’t mess with men’s gear while bleeding (oh god), and a few other things, right? Can I lead people whaling? I never went whaling before. I bet you could fit a hundred whales in the river. So I got to dance with something on my head standing up, instead of kneeling down with something on my arm. How hard can that be? Do I have to avoid masks? Hell if I know. I should summon one up and find out.
Then again, I am… incredibly high right now.
Holy shit the steam is talking.
It wasn’t hard to find her. Hell, it’s been harder to avoid her. I must have looked like hell. She didn’t seem surprised to see me like this, and she didn’t ask how I got this way. I’m glad. I don’t want to revisit those memories, especially today. She told me to make a parka already (okay, I know what I’m doing tonight), and maqi.
Instead of telling her what was most on my heart, I told her about the cannibal, and who it was, to help keep them out of the Caern. She was… worried that I hadn’t already captured her. How do I explain that I didn’t because I feel sympathy for her? Gratitude for her kindness? And haven’t I done enough already? More than anyone others had. I should be allowed to leave it. I tried to say it wasn’t our concern, that we should leave it for the law keepers, but she wasn’t having it. She ordered me, as Warder, and I said I’d do it, unhappily. She pointed out how at odds my actions were - trying to get her barred from the caern, and worrying about her catching sent and running, but doing nothing to stop either.
As usual, she’s right. Grandmother, my head is just a mess. The right thing to do would have been to slit her tendons in her sleep with silver, and then bring her in when I had the chance. Instead, I waffle for days, making no action but to avoid all action. My head is too crowded, and has too little room, from no sleep.
We were quite for a while, as I tried to wrap my head around how… hard it is to wrap my head around things. I mentioned that I may be as I am for a very long time. She agreed. I started to say that Shrouded Arrow encouraged me to talk to her, but I changed the subject with some jokes about Shrouded Arrow’s tribe instead. We talked about that, how Esther is here (and how it might not be a bad idea to bring more family down here), and I asked if she’d seen her Athro present (she didn’t go through my stuff), but the whole time she was cool. I don’t know if she knows what to make of me, either.
It was some comment about how she was nearly wrong about me coming back, and her saying how I still face my own challenges… and that she was there. I let it out. The confusion, the mixed up feelings, and the fact that my head is all in knots. I don’t think I expressed it well. I just rambled. She, cooly, told me that none of them can help me at all. It’s up to me to answer some questions, but not… not how I think things should be, but how I feel things are.
I have been thinking too much.
We went back to the mountains, and I… may have asked her a few questions, asking her to keep it private. I wonder what I took for granted as a guy that she would need to figure out. Again, I get the feeling she was cool towards me. Where Esther was so glad to see me, Jacinta… I don’t know if she knew what to do with me.
I got the chance to eat my own food, and then maqi. All that stink from before washes off. I might have taken some drugs, to help open my head up. It help so much, the food, the warmth, and the the cleaning. I let my spirit wander a bit, like I hadn’t done in a while. I don’t have answers to her questions, but the peyote is kicking in, and I definitely have… feelings.
“Does your outward form impact how you view yourself?”
I’m a hunter, and one of the best workers of spirits and magic in this sept. I’ve won my battles through strength of mind over strength of arms. I feel the same. Except the kin, no one even saw the threat of the cannibal, while I unweaved her secrets. Others still come to me for my wisdom (even though it’s been lacking, lately). Nothing about this changed.
“Does it impact how you feel?”
I don’t think of Nova with the same feelings as before. My feelings about my body are not nearly as concerned as much as my mind says I should - the two are at war. I’ve always been in tune with my body and instincts; it’s always been easy to feel the pull of the wolf. Now both my instincts and my body are telling me different things from before.
“It need not impact what you do, unless you feel that you should be doing other things.”
I get so much of my strength through keeping the old ways. They’ve seen me through every disaster, gained insight about all my foes, and turned many of them into dust. Keeping the ancient spirit-pacts, the ground itself can rise up to fight for me. I remember when they made so many banes burst into the sun’s fire, on my rank challenge, leaving the horned serpent’s dead everywhere, and us barely touched. The old ways purged all of turtle island of the horned serpent. Should I be doing other things? It’s not that different - women hunt, women fish, women trap. For kin, there’s less going to war, but I’m not kin, so whatever. Just don’t mess with men’s gear while bleeding (oh god), and a few other things, right? Can I lead people whaling? I never went whaling before. I bet you could fit a hundred whales in the river. So I got to dance with something on my head standing up, instead of kneeling down with something on my arm. How hard can that be? Do I have to avoid masks? Hell if I know. I should summon one up and find out.
Then again, I am… incredibly high right now.
Holy shit the steam is talking.
